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Indian George
09-17-2009, 07:18 AM
Subject: Heat Treating Relish (HTR)
I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to crap yourself' HTR and chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off. Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2’. Despite habanero peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next-door neighbors as thunder and lightning. Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.
Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, got to go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms, which would bring sweet relief, it happened.
The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.
I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.
I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.
Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. ; One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!’ then quickly left. Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'
That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!’ then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.
Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.
Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.
HEHEHEHE!!! Real story:confused::confused: (Ya' Right)

Josh Dabney
09-17-2009, 07:46 AM
IG,
ROFLMAO !!!!

You sure know how to weave a yarn.

BossDog
09-17-2009, 06:36 PM
LOL great story... if they don't let you back in that Walmart, come out here and I'll see you get in..

Indian George
09-17-2009, 06:38 PM
LOL great story... if they don't let you back in that Walmart, come out here and I'll see you get in..

Cool!!! I'll make us some chili when I get there. HEHEHEHEHE!!!

Clydetz
09-17-2009, 06:51 PM
Had me laughing and farting all the way through that story. :D Now if I can just make it across the hallway to the john! Whew... made it!

One knife related question if I may... have you ever tried coating any of your blades with your Heat Treating Relish to give them a patina?

Indian George
09-18-2009, 05:48 AM
Had me laughing and farting all the way through that story. :D Now if I can just make it across the hallway to the john! Whew... made it!

One knife related question if I may... have you ever tried coating any of your blades with your Heat Treating Relish to give them a patina?

I did, but the Bowie blade end up as a penknife.:confused::confused::confused: HEHEHEHEHE!!!

WadeH
09-21-2009, 02:12 PM
Hey IG where is the story that was wrote about the effects of the HTR when added to a burito. I had it somewhere but it seems that I lost it. It was extremely funny too.

Indian George
09-21-2009, 02:45 PM
Hey IG where is the story that was wrote about the effects of the HTR when added to a burito. I had it somewhere but it seems that I lost it. It was extremely funny too.

Is this the one????
Is It A Food, Or A Chemical Weapon?!?

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I tell you what, Indian George's Heat-Treating "relish" really did just about burn my damn face off. He "warned" me that it was made of jalapenos, habaneros, and some mysterious Portugese concoction that no English-speaking-person would ever fully understand. In my infinite ignorance, I assumed it was something resembling hot sauce.

Gawd help me... I volunteered to try some.

So he sent me a sample. For free... that should have been my first clue. It had sort of a, well, violent aroma, but I'm braver than I am smart, so one night I put some in my burrito.

Goodness knows what kind of patina that stuff would put on any particular steel! I suspect 1084 would just plain melt, and even highly-alloyed steels like CPM154 would probably warp or turn green or something. Only controlled, scientific testing will tell for sure. Perhaps Kevin Cashen could weigh in on this? Then again, his high-temp salt pots are like a mere tea kettle compared to a bowl of Indian George's Heat-Treat relish, so who knows?

Mind you, I only put a teaspoon of that horrific, chunky liquid madness called a "sauce" in my burrito. It really did taste wonderful, until the invisible flames started eating away at my lips and tongue. I needed a shave before I had supper that fateful night, but not after. If I had had the guts to light a smoke, I wouldn't have needed a lighter. Then again, if I had lit a smoke, I likely wouldn't have needed a haircut for a decade or so.

No amount of beer or sour cream quelled the voracious hellfire inside my skull; I assure you, I tried plenty of both. With a spoon.

My memory of this napalm-nightmare is a bit foggy, but I seem to recall slathering whole milk and sour cream all over my face... it didn't help. I vaguely remember wondering if the Geneva Convention had rules against this sort of thing.

My darling daughter laughed at me wildly, as my tortured body squirted toxic sweat from every pore, and I trembled madly and my face turned unnatural colors. She wisely declined to try a bite of the infernal burrito. Wisdom from the mouths of babes, indeed.

I'm fairly certain I lost five or more pounds just sitting there. Soon, I was no
longer just sweating; it was more like sublimating precious bodily fluids directly into the atmosphere. And it was much more painful than it sounds.

Apparently, IG's HT relish is the perfect antidote for drunkenness, because no matter how much beer I drank, the pain wouldn't go away. Good strong whiskey tasted like liquid air and had no effect at all. Being a stout and strong-willed Viking-helmeted sort of character, I tried my best anyway, and drank admirably.

To no avail; the ravaging effects of this hellacious potion mocked my valiant
efforts and reduced me to a blithering mass of weakened, charred, whimpering flesh.

My girlfriend (at the time) thought this was all quite hilarious until I smooched her a couple hours later, and she began to literally weep because the relish residue on my lips burned her so badly. Serves her right...

I slept on the couch that night... at least I assume so, because I woke up in the fetal position next to it. Some kind soul had left a fire-extinguisher within reach, just in case. Spontaneous human combustion is no joke, people!

I must say, I wasn't hung-over one bit the next day, as far as I can recall. It's difficult to remember, though... everything's kind of bleary. I do have nightmarish memories of violent, fiery expulsions from... well... there's no need to describe that horror in polite company.

Oddly enough, I really do want more of that relish. It tasted AWESOME. I think IG is the Devil or something...

-JT
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WadeH
09-21-2009, 02:49 PM
Ah man you beat me to it. I went through my entire computer and found it where I had sent it to a friend of mine and then you beat me to the post. But yeah that is it. I laughed so hard with that one I thought I was going to have a seizure.

Indian George
09-21-2009, 02:55 PM
Ah man you beat me to it. I went through my entire computer and found it where I had sent it to a friend of mine and then you beat me to the post. But yeah that is it. I laughed so hard with that one I thought I was going to have a seizure.

You Texans are all slow on the draw. HEHEHJEHEHE!!!