There is NO WAY that you won't laugh!!

Chris Martin

Well-Known Member
There is NO WAY that you won't laugh!!







All I can say is that I have to have one of these!! LOL!!! I about wet my pants laughing out loud.

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!! It is the last paragraph that will do it!!!!! Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this: Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest... The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed.

I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.

But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION. . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!

You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-*****, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.

My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I **** myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.
 
Chris that is just to funny. I got several here in the office to read it, one almost feel on the floor laughing so hard. 2thumbs
 
Rooling on the floor laughing my ass off. That's the funniest story I've heard since one of the nurses where I used to work confused her mase with her breath spray.

Doug Lester
 
Ya, it took the nurse a little while to see the humor in it but health care workers are a sick bunch. At least she knew it was effective.

Doug Lester
 
That was hillarious!!! I have tears running down my face and damn near wet myself I was laughing so hard.
 
Yeah , I have to second what Murph said. I had to break down and call the rest of the family in on this one. :D
 
:D Sure is funny! I laugh every time I read that.

We had a funny at work. The last thing we used to do during our weapons qualification shoot is toss our CS grenades and then pile into our patrol vehicles and haul a$$ out of there.

After one hot summer day, we were at HQ when we received a call from our field hospital. It seems like a van load of people goofing off had stopped by our range after we left and were going to pick up empty brass when they encountered the big cloud of CS gas.

Our range sits down in a low place surrounded by a berm and woods. Usually, there is no wind blowing and it's pretty much a dead area.

Anyhow, the crew got gassed real good and panicked. They thought they got exposed to some deadly contamination and hauled butt to the hospital. It was quickly cleared up and the slackers got in hot water for being there and not working. Punishment was limited to a good chewing out because our bosses decided they had enough punishment already.:D

We now carry pepper spray instead of using gas grenades.
 
Hot damn. I haven't laughed that hard since I don't know when. I thought my head was going to explode!!!
 
Chris I know the story and I can't read it right now. If I do I will have a forth hernia from laughing that hard. I love that joke. But right now it is a bad joke.
 
Now that's funny I don't care who you are!!!!!!!!!! ;):p:D:D:D:D:D:D2thumbs

The funniest part about it is, the wife was napping and I just woke her up laughing and she is sitting there looking at me like I am crazy!! Guess I will have to let her read it now.
 
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Its good to see there is still some amusement to this. I have read it plenty and still get a good visual off of it....lol

Chris
 
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