Mustard

Carey Quinn

KNIFE MAKER
This is a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father.

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet Mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers..

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my
tongue protruding out.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine
shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my
wife Said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy mustard
Poupon.''
 
Mustard works great for putting a patina on carbon steel. I don't know if the "other stuff" works or not, LMAO.
 
No man ever put a baby down faster.

I don't know Carey - we might have had a tie....

Twenty-three years ago, my lovely bride and I had a wonderful little boy and because she had a child from a previous marriage, she knew what she was doing. I, however, thought I was a pretty quick study. She was breast feeding at the time and it didn't take me long to figure out that it took her up to 40 minutes to feed him but it took me less than 5 minutes to change him before hand. It was agreed - I would handle the "used food" department and she would handle, well, you get it. It was easy math and I could be back asleep way before she would.

When my son was about your sons age, give or take a week or two...he started crying in the middle of the night. I jumped out of bed and began the process. He had only wet so it was (to be) a quick change. I dropped down to the floor, grabbed the diaper bag, spread out the baby blanket, etc, etc. Well, I had him all cleaned up and was sliding the new diaper under his bottom while holding his chubby little legs up in the air with the other hand.

You guessed it...he saw his opportunity and he knew he had the perfect trajectory, so..... he FIRED!!! I was literally covered from face to waist - remember I was knelt down over him. AND GET THIS - he didn't get a drop on himself. I laid his happy little butt back down on the diaper, stood up saying some very choice words which couldn't have been heard over my wife's insane laughter. I know I gargled at least a quart of Listerine. Then I walked right into the shower, bathrobe, pajamas and all. Of course she got up and finished the diapering but she was still laughing when I got out of the shower. The joke was on her later when she found my bathrobe and PJ's still on the floor of the shower soaking wet... and covered with...well, you can figure that out as well. And honestly - to this day I can't stand Grey Poop-on!
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__________________

Best regards and God Bless,
Wayne

Full Time Maker
Member of the Professional Knifemakers Association
www.jarrettknives.com
Are you a Dawg yet?


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Wayne,

I am glad that I can't take credit for being the mustard taster in the story but it was too good not to share.

Like you, I married into a ready-made family so when that new baby came along, my wife had all the experience and I worked on my learner's permit. To make matters worse, she had a cesarian section so I got to do almost all of it for the first month or so. Luckily, I had heard a number of stories about new parents and all manner of diaper changing catastrophies so I was always careful to toss a towel over the new baby boy and just generally stay out of the line of fire.

I also try to stay a safe distance behind most farm animals too.

Loved your story,
Carey
 
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